I’m nervous. I’ve been contemplating the beginning of this portion of my life and how to approach sharing it. I still know and communicate with many of the people you’re going to meet over the course of the next hundred or so posts, so my angst stems from hurting feelings, evoking tears or possibly losing a friend/buddy/cohort/bestie. So I’ve balked. Sooo not me.
I’ve been busy – writing/working/loving/laughing – life is good. Nay, great. My scripts are getting better, I’m getting noticed and yes, even hired. An exciting time for me, to say the least. I can feel myself blossoming. With that said, I considered discontinuing this blog – my journey from the past. Should I bring to surface so many events that expose some of my worst moments, along with some of my best? And why? Isn’t that rehashing stuff that has no bearing on my life now? Or am I a chicken shit? Uh, no. So that’s what got me thinking.
It has a total bearing on my life – who I am, why I write, who my friends are, what I’m willing to tolerate and what I’m not, what I’m most passionate about, what hurts me, what inspires me. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before rebuilding into an even more beautiful self. Like a phoenix, except without bursting into flames. That would hurt.
Since sharing everything that I could remember about my happenings in Florida, I’ve felt a sense of release. I no longer have a pang in my gut when I think of Jen, 2001 Odyssey, Funky Lisa, Vegas, oh-so-perfect Theresa…the list goes on. I have no sense of regret for leaving Tampa when I did. In fact, I see now why I had to go. There was nothing left for me there. I had to grow. I’ve come to terms with my bad decisions, only to fully appreciate the positives that came from them.
I really want that for Atlanta. To be honest, I’m still not in love with this city the way others seem to be. That’s what’s so intriguing, though. I want to see what they see. So I’ve been trying. I’ve gotten more social – like really social – not passive with social media. Although I definitely still do all of that. But now I actually go to events: weddings, concerts, new restaurants. It’s amazing. There are really some talented people here. On a recent film set (for which I wrote the trailer), I was blown away by the talent that kept walking through the door. They live here? In Atlanta? And all of the shows being filmed here…it just continues to surprise me. I have officially stopped calling it “Baby Hollywood” and now refer to Atlanta as the “East Coast Hollywood.” I’ve been converted.
But not 100%.
I’ve been fired, threatened, hit, yelled at, wrongly accused and on the brink of self-destruction. I know what you’re thinking…who the hell were you hanging out with? But to be fair, I’ve also hit, screamed, threatened, quit and mistreated a few people a bit myself. Only to know now that I have definitely come a long way. I can’t say the same for several others I’ve come across over the years.
So some of these entries are going to hurt. Me, you, them. It’s not about assigning blame or pointing fingers or inciting an Atlanta riot. I’ll leave that to the Zimmerman jury. But it’s for me to appreciate my life – the good, the bad and the WTFs – like the Zimmerman jury.
Deep breaths, X. Deep breaths.
And now, a little reminder that we all have pasts — and a future — just not necessarily singing.
2 thoughts on “Inhale/Release/Repeat”
AMAZING. Keep writing. Keep loving. Keep learning. Your life is interesting and full of so much color. Keep it coming:)
Thank you, Cid! I can’t put into words how much the encouragement means to me!